My generation tells me to dream.”Be yourself”. “Live in the moment”. “Make memories”. “Chase your dreams”. “You only live once!” Americans, we like to dream. I like to dream. But can dreaming be somewhat folly-ish??
I find myself in a very strange season. I am staring the dream straight in the face and realizing I have the lay it down. The dream is to be in Uganda full time doing what God wants me to do. However, the future is one big fat question mark. But my heart is full of vigor and zest, ready to leap at any moment. Actually searching for any sign that says I can….asking God everyday, “can you just send me now”!?!? But when I listen, I hear the quietest encouragement to “wait”..”trust”….and…”learn”. I know He is trying to teach my something through this waiting period. In fact, it may be a lesson on how to WAIT!! Considering, Im not very good at that. Ambition is my middle name. However, Uganda hit me up with the fact that I still had ALOT of growing and learning to do. As Chris Caine puts it, “God may want to do something IN you, before doing something THROUGH you”. What we testify about, The Lord wants to take root in our lives. During the last year, I think I was half way there, but still in bondage to things that held me back from Him. I.E. (a false identity) I was in “the dream” but had a crushed spirit. Yes, ladies this is possible!! You can have the husband you always thought you wanted, but still feel discontent…or the house and job, and perfect bod, but still be a mess, if you made the mistake I made. If we center ourselves on the hope of a dream, it will disappoint us. For me, I had to learn the hard way because I am stubborn. The Lord brought me to the end of myself, utterly broke me, and is now building me back up again. My heart and mind are being rearranged by and for His word. I think about things differently. I spend my time differently. I aim to steward what has been given to me. My values have changed. I fear God more. I spend a heck of alot more time with Him thats for sure, (cause I know my need), I am more cautious towards what I let into my mind and heart. I have limits now. Limits with friends, time, money, music, media, food, exercise, “me” time. The crazy thing I have discovered about limits though, is that I think they actually bring freedom! Ode to an oxymoron. But yes! Living under the constraints I feel like the Spirit has led me to, has actually brought more freedom in all those areas than I have ever experienced. When we limit ourselves in the flesh, we leave more room for the spiritual. So, all to say, the Lord is doing something in me. This I know for sure. He wants full allegiance, which means handing over every area of life to His authority. Then when we are bearing fruitful, honest lives, will He send us out to help others. Not saying when we are “perfect”, but when we have allowed Him into every corner, dark and light, and invited His instruction and loving correction.
Dreams can be folly. They are artificial and leave out the hard stuff. They are rooted in perfectionism. ” If I have this, life will be great” If I get to this place I will be happy”, If my life looks like this, I will be content”. Sometimes they can make us narcissists. They are about US. About our HAPPINESS. But, as Christians, life is not about us anymore right? Easier said than done. But yes, we are called to give it, we have made a covenant to Him concerning it. And He has made a covenant to us. Reward. Love. Promise. Inheritance. So my point in writing this is to say, give your dreams to God. Lets be day dreamers of heaven, not of things on this earth. He wants our hearts first and foremost. If He has your heart, He has you. Then if we let Him, He will bring about His dream for us, which is often better than our own.
I am changing my dream to: being a woman of God, strong, stable, and devoted. Eager to love and lay down my life for others. Always growing in humility and wisdom. Keeping Jesus as my first love. Continually laying on the altar by desires and remaining prayerful about them :) (i.e. Uganda, adoption, family, missions, discipleship, etc.) Its good to work toward your goals and passions, however, partnered with humility and surrender. Because You Don’t Know What Is Best For You……..Your dreams are not what is best for you, God has better. I learned that the hard way.
Today I bought some shoes and got my hair cut. Last week I got a pedicure (my feet looked like those of an older man from Mexico, brown and hard as rocks) I went shopping the other day for “winter clothes”. Iv’e tried watching a movie (which didn’t really work out). I put on make up today. Yes, I have done what every girl is expected to do when coming back from a trip where you take cold showers and sleep in a blanket of bug spray and a little sweat and go to bed at 830 at night cause the power was out and there was nothing else to do. This is me. Trying to be “girly” again. Trying to care about what I used to care so deeply about. But the truth is: i t s n o t e n o u g h.
I want days where I wake up and ask God what to do. I want days where I am surrounded by big white smiles and ebony skin. I want days where I just give and give of myself and feel exhausted by the end of it. (a beautiful exhaustion). I want days where I look in a tiny rinky dink mirror taped on my wall in the morning and never think to look at my self again for the day. I want to walk places and feel the hot sun on my skin. I want to end my days like I used to, having worship with the kids while we jig in a circle with instruments. I want life in Lira again…I want those precious kids and people. I want it: E A S I E R.
But the Holy Spirit whispered to me: “wait. wait. embrace your place. worship in drudgery. you can encounter me just the same here. pursue love no matter where you are, people are waiting. don’t store up earthly treasures. you don’t need to look in the mirror 6 times. you don’t need to spend on that which doesn’t last. you don’t need to fear those people. you don’t need to covet that. you don’t need to compare. BE YOU. SEEK ME STILL. THIS HARDSHIP IS CRUCIAL TO YOUR LIFE AND DESTINY. Then he spoke more through some wise folks: God takes his people through the place of promise before the promise land. the place of promise can be sort of like the pit before the palace. You know where God is calling you, yet you are in a season of waiting and “camping” almost. Its like how the Apostle Paul made tents for a while. Mundane work, but God still was preparing him for his revelation. This is what I realized: If I am not willing to go through this time of “drudgery” while my heart burns for Uganda, then how could God trust me with the calling He may have on my life. I have to remain faithful when I am doing what I don’t wanna do. When life doesn’t excite me the way I want it to. Jesus still deserves the worship. We are still called to labor in waiting, un-heart thrilling periods. He is still profound and beautiful and worthy of all our attention.
"Christianity is not for the fainthearted. A God-dream is going to end up in the pit before it gets to the palace. A God-dream will always pay a price to do it. There is nothing glamorous about Christianity. Jesus wants laborers (no matter where YOU ARE), not heroes".
Well thus begins a very interesting blogging experience. Yes, slightly fearful. This is something I said I would never do. I hate sappy writing. Also I always judged “blogging” folk..which was very wrong of me. Sorry ladies. I’ve discovered though it can be a very good thing. But the idea of posting my thoughts on the most public of places for all to see is terrifying! I always had friends who were amazing expressive, eloquent, articulators (thank you heritage school)…and I was like the lost with words kinda chick who admired from afar. Often times I was also the silent one…..which is exactly why I am doing this blog. Im doing this blog because everything in me doesn’t want to do it, cringes at the idea even. Im doing it because I feel like God is saying, “perk up child, I have given you a voice”! Many years of my life, I’ve always been very comfortable chillin in the shadows of others and in many ways hiding; “timid” as people have called me. And I am
D O N E with that. I realized something this past year of my life, while in complete anonymity and obscurity, that
G O D G A V E M E A V O I C E…wow, staggering right? Not really, but for me, it was like fireworks realizing this! I’d wasted so many years fearful and afraid to speak, unable to take initiative on things, followed people like dogs, and had many unhealthy boundaries, cause I didn’t know how to put them up. So now, I want to begin afresh. I want to start walking in the person I know I am intended to be…so that I can be used for Kingdom and for Jesus and all things good under the sun for God. Uganda woke me up to the fact that THE WORLD NEEDS FIXIN!!! And I found this quote that explains my sentiments exactly:
THE FIRST STEP IN FIXING THINGS IS REALIZING YOU CAN FIX THINGS
So if I want to be apart of what Christ is doing in His house, people, and around the world (which heck yes I do, sign me up), then I am going to need to believe that I can be used. And If I will be used, I will need to speak, share, testify, and confess. So, thus begins my journey….Going to be honest, have NO idea what I will write about after this, but I hope the world or my thoughts or Christ will grace me with somethin good :)